2000-03-19 - 21:49:58

March 19,2000

5:35pm

im experiencing so many emotions at this moment. it's sickening. i cant stop crying- i'm TERRIFIED of flying. there was a maitenence problem. they said it was all set- yet i dont trust them. i should. im soooo scared and there's no turning back. i jump at the slightest bump. i look out the window and all i see are clouds. i can not have control and it frightens me. i have noone to talk toso my fear is hurting inside. i can not stand these moments of sheer terror. we are bumping again. im crying and praying. everyone else seems so calm; i feel alone, isolated. the tears wont stop. ill do anything for you- Tyler.

*my weekend was amazing as always*

im going through so much. i try so hard not to cry when i say goodbye even though ill see him in 2 weeks. i am heartbroken. ive been having so many troubles. i was accepted to wright state. my family does not support me. they dont know me or anything i feel. ( TRUE LOVE )oh my god im so scared-turbulence again-will this ever end? :*( these tears are a combination i guess of fear and of leaving my love behind. (not forever i know, i gotta keep telling myself that ). i look to the positive things and those are what keep me going. i see another plane in the distance...we finally made it through the mass of clouds which seemed to last for miles-yet we are STILL jerking a bit. im so scared. im trying to say my thoughts on paper. sorry they are so unorganized. im even too nervous to listen to a cd. i wish i was calm. Anyway, this past week ive been hurt and heartbroken blindly by my own family. my dad says-"its stupid for a girl to chase after a boy-if you didnt call him and go to ohio you would have so much $"...first of all im not 'chasing' after him ( im not in 7th grade )and i certainly could care less about $. i choose to spend it this way. tyler is #1 and way more important than $. he ALWAYS will be. i can not describe my feelings. i see so many of my friends with girl/boyfriends. i just wish they could understand what i go through. im not looking for sympathy-but i want them to realize how every moment spent with their loved one should be cherished. i realized that is what im learning through this experience and i know it wont be forever. my mom says i am obsessed because i talk to him on the phone alot. its called love mom. ever felt it? she also says im not normal. to me, that is an insult. it as if she is denying my own feelings. or its like telling me it isnt right to feel sad, happy, scared, etc. noone has a final say when it comes to feelings. Lance from *NSYNC is scared of flying too. he's da coolest! today at the mall there were so many cute bunnies! there were adorable and cute-all piled up on each other sleeping so peacefully. as i patted them i wanted to set them free. ok, now that was a side-track! we are still bouncing a bit. this is like pure torture to me. i have to go through another hour of this hell. i am helpless. i never was this scared until a few months ago. i dont know what my problem is i mean i flew to london 4 times and now im crying over an hour and a half flight? i feel like a baby, but i cant control how i feel. so i think i may go to wright state anyway despite the lack of support. i have to do this for me. i dont want to live my life for them and i am 20 years old. ofcourse some large consequences will go along with this decision. i will have to fund my own education. i will have no car after may ( the lease is up and my dad wont lease another one if i go ) and ill have to deal with all the grief from my fam. im seriously considering going anyway. i feel it is all worth it. oh yeah, ill also have to move there myself on my own. who knows, this new found independence may be for the better. there's a time in everyone's life when they must break-free from their normal routine. this just may be my time.