2002-02-11 - 8:49 p.m.

i always make lists of what i ate or what i plan to eat. im obsessed with nutrition. it consumes my mind, my being. its pretty damn annoying if you ask me. im also obsessed with making sure i exercise. calories are what depress me most these days. whenever my mind wanders it goes to what ive eaten, how many calories are in something, how can i burn it off, how can i make sure i dont gain weight and hopefully lose more. im 5'4, i weigh like 120 at the most. that's pretty normal. i guess. when i grocery shop i read all the labels thoroughly and wont allow myself to buy anything too high in calories. ice cream is like the one acception. i wish these thoughts would go away. my brother, dan, helps me ALOT and i love him even more for that. every day i tell him what ive eaten and he tells me that im fine. i think i just need to hear that im fine. even just tellin him what i ate and to hear him say im ok, makes a bit of a difference. i cant stand the guilt. i look at my list and i think, well its not that bad, i mean you ate pretty healthy....but then i think of all the calories i consumed and how i cant exceed 2000 or something and if i eat more than that ill gain weight. im sure i eat more than 2000. i know i do. i mean there are so many calories in everything we eat. even the healthy stuff. who am i out to impress anyways? myself, uh i guess. society? sure. i hate standards. ok so heres what i ate today. its a pretty typical list of stuff that i usually eat.

breakfast:

cereal(grapenut flakes/honey graham o's)

1/2 grapefruit

midday snack:

apple

snack before work:

pb and j

fruit salad

after work:

pretzles

wheat thins

dinner:

wild rice pilaf(the whole box)

fresh brocolli

cauliflower

mixed vegetables

s'mores granola bar

snack:

ice cream

popcorn