2001-01-28 - 07:40:57

This is the latest I've stayed up since England..I'm struggling to stay awake, I just don't have the urge to sink into slumber QUITE yet, especially since the day is mine tomorrow. I might work 12-5, but I don't think I will end up doing that. I can't get this Corrs song outta my head. I heard it atleast 4 times today, it's so light and happy! I drove alot today but I didn't mind cos it was fun. On the way to Cabots Liz, Kosta, and I rocked out to X-nite as we tried to keep up with Selen in her car (she drives really EURO!). It's so fun hangin' with the crew at Pine Manor College(doesn't it sound like a nursing home?), I might as well go there..I have clothes and a bed and stuff in Selen's room(she has a single) and I'm friends with everyone there so its wicked cool. I've been jaunting to Brookline/Chestnut Hill alot this past week and plan to continue on this pattern! Driving from there at 2am is fun, especially with the awesome music blassssssting. It gives me time to think and reflect on all the constant thoughts running through my head. I am soooo happy with myself right now. I am totally in a state of awareness of who I am and am really happy with it. About 6 months ago, I came to the realization that I had totally lost myself. It's strange how certain people can affect you in such a way. I get so mad at how I was and think about all the time I wasted my sophomore year, but I realize you can't look back and understand it's all part of the learning experience of life. I think about stuff I would do and think. I would plan my schedule, my life around another person! I would come home early from being with my friends, and/or not even go out at all just so I could talk to him on the phone for god knows how long. That is just not me! It never was either and I'm so glad to be back to the real Emily. I guess we all go through weird stages like that, I'm glad I'm out of it and I plan to never return to such a state. I almost randomly called Tyler today. This was only because I seriously had NOTHING to do at work and I remember I used to talk to him for hours when I was there. I don't even remember what his voice sounds like. I had to double think about the phone number also. I honestly don't know if I'd have a thing to say to him, I don't remember what his personality is like, I can't even recall how we got along all that time and what we even talked about, I mean I sorta do but it's all a blur. I'm not saying this in a mean way at all but I don't really care. Maybe I sorta do but it's like the last thing on my mind. I hate how we lost something, it's sad to say but I can't even remember what it is we lost. Is that bad?? In my mind at this time I could honestly say it feels like it was all a dream and nothing really ever happened. I can't remember what it was like to hang out with him or how he acted or any of his traits personality-wise. It's so weird it was like I was another person and I have blocked everything out. I don't know, life is interesting and works in such intricate ways I doubt I'll ever totally figure everything out!!!

I couldn't be more content though, I'm psyched to be ME! gosh am I lame or what. Speaking of lame oh my did anyone hear the tape of Britney Spears swearing!?! It's hilarious!!!!!!! I think you can find it on Goofball. Alright the scenario is in Las Vegas her band was onstage and she was just waiting in the wings and her microphone was on, but she had NO IDEA!!! So it's of her saying F this F that and she keeps saying "This is so retarded!!!!" for some reason. I was laughing so hard when I heard it this morning on the radio. It was a great way to start off the day I tell ya hehehe. All you need is love